As positive as yesterday's horse riding adventures were, the opposite may be said about today's. In fact, I questioned whether I should be fiddling with the horses anymore, at all. It's been five years since I broke my leg... FIVE YEARS! I can hardly believe it's been that long. Taking the last two years off of riding and doing the horse thing have not helped my mental state in the least. I wonder how I'd be feeling if our life HADN'T been interrupted by the move and the change in our horse owner lifestyle... just an off the cuff guess: we'd be broke and stressed out over money INSTEAD of horses (or perhaps in addition to...), so I'd better count my blessings!
Actually, I really DO need to express gratitude for the situation at hand. I'll explain that situation right now... Frosty, after being so good yesterday and toting my sweet husband around the arena, decided that he was NOT going to have a bridle on today, lest he have to work again and feel the pressure of 300 lbs bouncing around on his sturdy, but spoiled self. He threw his head up everytime we tried to put the bridle on, which is just a hackamore (no bit) and not at all painful or uncomfortable. He even pulled back on the hitching post, acting like he was going to rear up, in an effort to evade the bridle. Well, we thought we'd show him and just leave him tied up. We came back every so often to see if he was feeling more cooperative... which, of course, he wasn't. We even left the bridle alone and just tried to take his halter off to set him free, but just reaching up to undo the halter freaked him out and he reacted in the same way. I realize now that the whole, "You little stinker... you can just stay tied up" approach was really saying, "Keep flinging your head in the air and we'll leave you alone." What started out as a reaction to the hackamore bridle had now become a reaction to any contact with his halter or head... all within a thirty minute time period. Aackk!!! Kevin actually likes exercising his authority with a belligerent horse and tried for an additional twenty to thirty minutes to get the message across that this behavior was unacceptable. It was getting dark and I told Kev to just lead the stinker to the small corral and unsnap the rope from his halter; that tomorrow we would take him to the trainer and let HIM work this out for us. Essentially, Frosty won the match and we're just hoping we don't pay for that loss in the long run.
Now, to address my close living companions, Senor Fear and Senorita Doubts-a-lot... I realized, through this experience, that I have evolved from being a little bit apprehensive about mounting and dismounting, to basically an all around anxiety around my equine friends. It came together for me, tonight, that I pass off even leading Frosty or Blue around, to Kevin, Dayton, or Marin. Every time a horse has the slightest bit of attitude, I find myself shrinking in fear and passing them off for someone else to handle. Visions of every accident I've ever heard of occurring on horseback or even on the ground run through my mind. The enjoyment of watching my children ride is now laced with these fears and anxieties. I didn't realize, until this experience, the accumulative affect of my own doubts and insecurities and started to question how smart it was to even have horses anymore. However, after consulting with a good friend, who is very experienced in horsemanship, and talking to my sister, Carolyn, the dawning of enlightment settled on my being. This isn't really about a fear of horses, or anxiety for myself, my husband and our children; this is about unresolved issues within myself that are manifesting themselves in this particular scenario. If it hadn't been the horses, it could just have easily been something else that would have brought my attention to this psychological stumbling block. I was able to see, in a more complete way, how anxious and fearful I have been of EVERYTHING for months, if not for a few years. Trust in myself and those I come in contact with, be they human or equine, is painfully lacking.
What were, initially, pieces of a puzzle - isolated experiences of anxiety and self-doubt - are now put together and form a complete picture of the way I have been dealing with my stress and thought processes, for some time. I can more clearly see, now, how I "throw my head" when being "bridled" and am reluctant to make the effort required of me at certain moments. To submit my will to a greater authority has not always been my strong point, but thanks to Frosty and his eye opening behavior this evening, I will try to turn that weakness into a strength. This revelation of my lacking self-confidence and apparent insecurity and self-doubt will, hopefully, turn out to be a defining moment in my life, a stepping stone to a higher plateau of spiritual awareness, and a foundation for greater things to come. I DO know this for certain: I don't ever want to quit something because of fear. Should I choose not to have horses in the future, I want that decision to stem from a voluntary change in personal direction or inclination... not as validation of fearful thinking or lack of self-confidence. I have never been afraid to do groundwork with a horse, or even thought for a minute that I wasn't capable of handling them (other than working through that mount and dismount issue related to my accident) and the realization that I am struggling with that, at this time, is very unsettling. I must be vigilant and not let the adversarial thoughts of "I have no business dealing with horses," or "What kind of person have I become to be so weak?" enter my heart, as they have my head.
So, in other words... life just became more interesting! Thanks for reading...Ciao!
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