As positive as yesterday's horse riding adventures were, the opposite may be said about today's. In fact, I questioned whether I should be fiddling with the horses anymore, at all. It's been five years since I broke my leg... FIVE YEARS! I can hardly believe it's been that long. Taking the last two years off of riding and doing the horse thing have not helped my mental state in the least. I wonder how I'd be feeling if our life HADN'T been interrupted by the move and the change in our horse owner lifestyle... just an off the cuff guess: we'd be broke and stressed out over money INSTEAD of horses (or perhaps in addition to...), so I'd better count my blessings!
Actually, I really DO need to express gratitude for the situation at hand. I'll explain that situation right now... Frosty, after being so good yesterday and toting my sweet husband around the arena, decided that he was NOT going to have a bridle on today, lest he have to work again and feel the pressure of 300 lbs bouncing around on his sturdy, but spoiled self. He threw his head up everytime we tried to put the bridle on, which is just a hackamore (no bit) and not at all painful or uncomfortable. He even pulled back on the hitching post, acting like he was going to rear up, in an effort to evade the bridle. Well, we thought we'd show him and just leave him tied up. We came back every so often to see if he was feeling more cooperative... which, of course, he wasn't. We even left the bridle alone and just tried to take his halter off to set him free, but just reaching up to undo the halter freaked him out and he reacted in the same way. I realize now that the whole, "You little stinker... you can just stay tied up" approach was really saying, "Keep flinging your head in the air and we'll leave you alone." What started out as a reaction to the hackamore bridle had now become a reaction to any contact with his halter or head... all within a thirty minute time period. Aackk!!! Kevin actually likes exercising his authority with a belligerent horse and tried for an additional twenty to thirty minutes to get the message across that this behavior was unacceptable. It was getting dark and I told Kev to just lead the stinker to the small corral and unsnap the rope from his halter; that tomorrow we would take him to the trainer and let HIM work this out for us. Essentially, Frosty won the match and we're just hoping we don't pay for that loss in the long run.
Now, to address my close living companions, Senor Fear and Senorita Doubts-a-lot... I realized, through this experience, that I have evolved from being a little bit apprehensive about mounting and dismounting, to basically an all around anxiety around my equine friends. It came together for me, tonight, that I pass off even leading Frosty or Blue around, to Kevin, Dayton, or Marin. Every time a horse has the slightest bit of attitude, I find myself shrinking in fear and passing them off for someone else to handle. Visions of every accident I've ever heard of occurring on horseback or even on the ground run through my mind. The enjoyment of watching my children ride is now laced with these fears and anxieties. I didn't realize, until this experience, the accumulative affect of my own doubts and insecurities and started to question how smart it was to even have horses anymore. However, after consulting with a good friend, who is very experienced in horsemanship, and talking to my sister, Carolyn, the dawning of enlightment settled on my being. This isn't really about a fear of horses, or anxiety for myself, my husband and our children; this is about unresolved issues within myself that are manifesting themselves in this particular scenario. If it hadn't been the horses, it could just have easily been something else that would have brought my attention to this psychological stumbling block. I was able to see, in a more complete way, how anxious and fearful I have been of EVERYTHING for months, if not for a few years. Trust in myself and those I come in contact with, be they human or equine, is painfully lacking.
What were, initially, pieces of a puzzle - isolated experiences of anxiety and self-doubt - are now put together and form a complete picture of the way I have been dealing with my stress and thought processes, for some time. I can more clearly see, now, how I "throw my head" when being "bridled" and am reluctant to make the effort required of me at certain moments. To submit my will to a greater authority has not always been my strong point, but thanks to Frosty and his eye opening behavior this evening, I will try to turn that weakness into a strength. This revelation of my lacking self-confidence and apparent insecurity and self-doubt will, hopefully, turn out to be a defining moment in my life, a stepping stone to a higher plateau of spiritual awareness, and a foundation for greater things to come. I DO know this for certain: I don't ever want to quit something because of fear. Should I choose not to have horses in the future, I want that decision to stem from a voluntary change in personal direction or inclination... not as validation of fearful thinking or lack of self-confidence. I have never been afraid to do groundwork with a horse, or even thought for a minute that I wasn't capable of handling them (other than working through that mount and dismount issue related to my accident) and the realization that I am struggling with that, at this time, is very unsettling. I must be vigilant and not let the adversarial thoughts of "I have no business dealing with horses," or "What kind of person have I become to be so weak?" enter my heart, as they have my head.
So, in other words... life just became more interesting! Thanks for reading...Ciao!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Season's Very First Ride
This last week, we saddled up the Arab, Blue, a few times and led the younger kids around in the pasture. Today, however, we saddled up Frosty AND Blue and took them to the neighbor's arena to work them. The sixteen year old girl that lives there rode both of them first, and then Marin, Dayton and even KEVIN rode Frosty! He was great and only half-groaned when Kevin hopped on - what a good boy! (One might expect a heck of a groan when a rider the size of Kev hops on! He's the right size horse for my XL size husband and I was very proud of Kev for being fearless, unlike moi...) Blue was a little bit full of it, to start, but then had her head in the game and was a good girl. I STILL suffer from post-leg-breaking trauma and will have to ease myself back into the riding... maybe when I'm more confident that these horses know their place in the pecking order of our family.
I spent the day doing laundry and dishes, which seem to be reproducing all on their own. Of course, I know that they aren't, and that I simply have five kids. However, it really does seem like they multiply during the night.
I'll tell you what IS multiplying daily, though, and that is the weeds in my yard. These are not just your everyday broadleaf variety weeds... our weeds are sticker weeds and we must have a half million of them. In fact, in some areas of our property, there are more stickers than there is grass. Bummer... Time to spray the yard and hope for the best. If anyone is interested in cultivating stickers (bullthorns, too), just give me a buzz and we'll be sure to save you some for transplanting. They are a great deterrent to those neighbor kids who like to hang out in your yard and are motivation for your youngest kids to wear shoes.
Sticker weeds are just about as popular as mosquitoes, ticks, and poison ivy, all of which prompt the question from our kids of, "Why did Heavenly Father make _______, anyway?" and in the case of the mosquitoes, "Couldn't the birds and spiders just eat some other kind of bug that didn't bite and itch so bad?" Kevin usually says that he can think of no reason for their existence, except to be a pain in the rear, and I agree... at least with the pain in the rear part. My kids, no doubt, get sick of hearing me say that it's all explained in the scripture from 2 Nephi 2:11, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things." That's when I get the "whatever" look from most of my kids and a "good try" smile from Kevin. I'll try to keep that in mind for MYSELF the next time I have to pull a tick off my leg, slap that dang mosquito, or somehow extract the stickers from my shoelaces and hems of my pants. ;P
I spent the day doing laundry and dishes, which seem to be reproducing all on their own. Of course, I know that they aren't, and that I simply have five kids. However, it really does seem like they multiply during the night.
I'll tell you what IS multiplying daily, though, and that is the weeds in my yard. These are not just your everyday broadleaf variety weeds... our weeds are sticker weeds and we must have a half million of them. In fact, in some areas of our property, there are more stickers than there is grass. Bummer... Time to spray the yard and hope for the best. If anyone is interested in cultivating stickers (bullthorns, too), just give me a buzz and we'll be sure to save you some for transplanting. They are a great deterrent to those neighbor kids who like to hang out in your yard and are motivation for your youngest kids to wear shoes.
Sticker weeds are just about as popular as mosquitoes, ticks, and poison ivy, all of which prompt the question from our kids of, "Why did Heavenly Father make _______, anyway?" and in the case of the mosquitoes, "Couldn't the birds and spiders just eat some other kind of bug that didn't bite and itch so bad?" Kevin usually says that he can think of no reason for their existence, except to be a pain in the rear, and I agree... at least with the pain in the rear part. My kids, no doubt, get sick of hearing me say that it's all explained in the scripture from 2 Nephi 2:11, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things." That's when I get the "whatever" look from most of my kids and a "good try" smile from Kevin. I'll try to keep that in mind for MYSELF the next time I have to pull a tick off my leg, slap that dang mosquito, or somehow extract the stickers from my shoelaces and hems of my pants. ;P
Sunday, May 10, 2009
A Mother's Day Memo...
Yesterday, after spending the afternoon with some of Kevin's family, including his maternal grandparents, Marin asked, "How come we never see Grandpa van's mom and dad?" I realized, at that moment, that we had not talked with our children, enough, about their grandparents that had already passed on. As I had the privelege to ask the blessing on the food at dinner tonight, my thoughts were again directed to the mothers in our lives that are NOT with us; those that have passed on, who helped create the wonderful mothers we call "Mom."
I've shown my children pictures of MY grandparents, printed off of my Uncle Roy's awesome family history blog and website (a few of which are featured above), but I need to get some pictures printed out of Kevin's paternal grandparents and educate my children (and myself) about these great people. I may not know much about Grandpa & Grandma John & Norma van Uitert, but I can certainly see the product of their hard work, as parents, in my father-in-law, Ray. I may not remember even meeting my Grandpa Royal H. Brooks and really only have memories of my Grandma Hazel living in a weakened and sickly state, but I can learn a lot about their values and personal inclinations by observing my father. My mother's mother, Virginia Barnum Miller, passed on when she was just fourteen years of age, and I have often asked her what she was like. Did she sing to her when she put her to bed, like my mother did with me? Was she quick to laugh or give a hug? Did my mother consider her a best friend, like I consider my mother? These are all questions I have asked my mom in the past, because I never got the opportunity to spend time with my Grandma Miller. I believe that when we spend time with our grandparents, and/or study our ancestry, we learn about ourselves and find ourselves "tethered" to a solid and stable foundation of values and beliefs passed down through the generations. My kids are very fortunate to have both sets of grandparents living and in good health, as well as great-grandparents, Grandpa & Grandma Madsen.
Grandpa Madsen expressed his dismay, this evening, at "hanging on" too long in this life; wishing he could join those that have already passed on and leave this earthly body riddled with pain. He's feeling done with experiencing the frailties of "the Golden Years," which at this point are feeling more "rusty" than "golden." I expressed to him, as I have MANY times before, that we... his family... are VERY happy that he is still here. Grandma looked at him and said, "What about me? I need you here!" His value to me, and to the rest of the family, is great, and I feel bad that he does not realize it or deem his existence important. Not every child gets the opportunity to know their great-grandparents, and mine do; for that I am grateful. Raising our children in this day and age presents great challenges, and I am grateful for any extra parental figures and examples available for our children to learn from. We love you, Grandpa & Grandma van Uitert, Grandpa & Grandma Brooks and Grandpa & Grandma Madsen... and the same goes for all of our grandparents on the other side of the veil, as well, who prepared this great foundation and heritage for us and our posterity. Thank you!
I've shown my children pictures of MY grandparents, printed off of my Uncle Roy's awesome family history blog and website (a few of which are featured above), but I need to get some pictures printed out of Kevin's paternal grandparents and educate my children (and myself) about these great people. I may not know much about Grandpa & Grandma John & Norma van Uitert, but I can certainly see the product of their hard work, as parents, in my father-in-law, Ray. I may not remember even meeting my Grandpa Royal H. Brooks and really only have memories of my Grandma Hazel living in a weakened and sickly state, but I can learn a lot about their values and personal inclinations by observing my father. My mother's mother, Virginia Barnum Miller, passed on when she was just fourteen years of age, and I have often asked her what she was like. Did she sing to her when she put her to bed, like my mother did with me? Was she quick to laugh or give a hug? Did my mother consider her a best friend, like I consider my mother? These are all questions I have asked my mom in the past, because I never got the opportunity to spend time with my Grandma Miller. I believe that when we spend time with our grandparents, and/or study our ancestry, we learn about ourselves and find ourselves "tethered" to a solid and stable foundation of values and beliefs passed down through the generations. My kids are very fortunate to have both sets of grandparents living and in good health, as well as great-grandparents, Grandpa & Grandma Madsen.
Grandpa Madsen expressed his dismay, this evening, at "hanging on" too long in this life; wishing he could join those that have already passed on and leave this earthly body riddled with pain. He's feeling done with experiencing the frailties of "the Golden Years," which at this point are feeling more "rusty" than "golden." I expressed to him, as I have MANY times before, that we... his family... are VERY happy that he is still here. Grandma looked at him and said, "What about me? I need you here!" His value to me, and to the rest of the family, is great, and I feel bad that he does not realize it or deem his existence important. Not every child gets the opportunity to know their great-grandparents, and mine do; for that I am grateful. Raising our children in this day and age presents great challenges, and I am grateful for any extra parental figures and examples available for our children to learn from. We love you, Grandpa & Grandma van Uitert, Grandpa & Grandma Brooks and Grandpa & Grandma Madsen... and the same goes for all of our grandparents on the other side of the veil, as well, who prepared this great foundation and heritage for us and our posterity. Thank you!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Cheetos & Chickens
I sit here at 2:00 in the morning munching on cheetos and listening to the chicks talk to each other. Everyone in the house is asleep, except for me and my little feathered friends, whose shadows from the brooding light are dancing on the wall and floor as they fight over an unlucky moth who somehow fluttered too close to their cage. Twice, in the last hour, I've added more food to their feed container, and each time I do, one or two of them pecks at my wedding ring... they must be attracted to the sparkle of the diamond. They also can't wait patiently for me to spoon their meal into the tray - they are pecking it off of the spoon in midair! It doesn't matter that they still have food in the tray... the NEW food coming in is always more exciting. I guess that's a lot like human nature, isn't it? It doesn't matter how many blessings or great things we have in our lives - we are always looking for something more exciting on the horizon. Totally random, I know.
One particular chick - a buff orpington - is different from the others, in that she is more interested in the giver of the food, than in the food itself. I think she and I will be great friends! She looks at me like she wants to know me. Strange sounding, I admit, but she is particularly studious. She is also very calm. While the other buff orpington and two leghorns are jumping around fighting and asserting themselves, she stands on the sideline simply taking it all in... watching that interesting creature with the silver can and the spoon dispense her food. If I were only reading this, and not observing her myself, I would wonder if she was ill - inactivity is a symptom of illness in animals. (I must have been ill all winter... lol) However, she is not ill... she's just very peaceful and SMART, obviously thinking outside the box, or rabbit cage, in this case. Most likely she's just too mature spiritually and intellectually to participate in substandard chicken activities. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to find a little DaVinci style feed sculpture in the tray in the morning... hmm... or perhaps an equally impressive feat - find her doing the "Hammer Time" dance to the amazement of her chicky friends... "dooo do do do... do do... do do... can't touch this!" It must be late. ;P
One particular chick - a buff orpington - is different from the others, in that she is more interested in the giver of the food, than in the food itself. I think she and I will be great friends! She looks at me like she wants to know me. Strange sounding, I admit, but she is particularly studious. She is also very calm. While the other buff orpington and two leghorns are jumping around fighting and asserting themselves, she stands on the sideline simply taking it all in... watching that interesting creature with the silver can and the spoon dispense her food. If I were only reading this, and not observing her myself, I would wonder if she was ill - inactivity is a symptom of illness in animals. (I must have been ill all winter... lol) However, she is not ill... she's just very peaceful and SMART, obviously thinking outside the box, or rabbit cage, in this case. Most likely she's just too mature spiritually and intellectually to participate in substandard chicken activities. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to find a little DaVinci style feed sculpture in the tray in the morning... hmm... or perhaps an equally impressive feat - find her doing the "Hammer Time" dance to the amazement of her chicky friends... "dooo do do do... do do... do do... can't touch this!" It must be late. ;P
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Swing Low Sweet Chariot
Take a looksy at my pregnant miniature horse mare, Bows... Holy Shmoly! The minis are all still toting around their winter bulk of fur, but still... she's HUGE! Her stomach is practically sweeping the ground! Poor thing... We've never bred her before, and seeing how large she is, I'm hoping she's going to be okay. Maybe she just LOOKS dramatically larger than the average pregnant horse because she's so tiny. This might be something similar to how my heighth of 5'9" spread my weight and proportion out just a tad bit more than my sweet 5'2" sister-in-law, Nancy. The baby has to fit somewhere, right? I just have more room to carry the load, and perhaps that's the same scenario with Bows. Maggie was bred on the same date, but she looks nowhere near the size. Time for the Doc to make a farm call and check out the girls!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Shop 'Til You Drop
...and I'm dropping, I assure you! It was a total shopping day for new shirts for the kiddoes. I posted this recent photo of the crew, as a point of reference for how stinkin' big my kids are getting! Gerrit, Dayton and Vanessa have all grown so much this year, that I had to restock their closets. Now comes the fun job of sorting and getting rid of all the old ones! That's where I usually drop the ball (nah... really?) Sadly, anyone who has visited my laundry room can attest to that fact. But, I won't linger on THAT depressing notion... Out with the old and in with the new! Glory, Hallelujah! I'm a changed woman! Hmm... A famous tyrannical world leader once said, “Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.” Ten bucks to the one who can name said tyrant! (no does... just bucks) I WILL brag, however, that I spent only $135 - total - on seven shirts for Gerrit, six for Dayton, nine for Vanessa (plus a pair of jeans!), four for Marin, and at least ten for myself; 90% being Aeropostale, American Eagle, Gap, Old Navy, Liz Claiborne, Abercrombie & Fitch and more (the other 10% just might have been Rustler, Jaclyn Smith, Under-Roos, Osh Kosh b'Gosh, Chic, and so on... ha ha...NOT). That works out to be less than $4 a shirt... gently used :) Not too shabby, huh? Now you can see why I'm ready to drop!
** Speaking of clothing... I've been using the clothesline, outside, to dry our laundry and it is really quite fabulous. Except in the rain... not so fabulous then... wink wink. On a sunny day, though, a load of laundry dries in less than thirty minutes, and that goes for jeans, as well! My mother-in-law had (and perhaps still HAS) a great clothesline in her backyard that stretched from the back of the house to a post near the fenceline a good twenty feet away. I think ours is the same style (four or five lines connected to a bar that retracts back into position on the house). I actually LOVE hanging laundry, watching it blow in the wind, taking it down and folding it... it's the putting it away (or getting the kids to put it away) that serves as my downfall! Unfortunately, Kevin has the same problem. He doesn't mind doing the laundry, UNTIL... it comes to divvying it out to be put away. Thus we find ourselves using baskets as our dressers, a good chunk of the time, and curse the whole process when clean clothes find their way to the floor, only to be washed again! Good thing I LOVE hanging laundry on the line, right? Right...
** I visited my sister, Karen, today. I sure do love her. Do you know that it was she who comforted her little sister, Donna, when the pressures of five to twelve years of age were just too much? She ALWAYS listened, sympathized, and validated my poor little spoiled brat feelings! She still does, much of the time, and for that unchanging fact, I will forever be grateful. Karen has the same sweet spirit of my mother... guileless is the most appropriate word, I think. I could use to pattern myself a little bit more after those Godly attributes.
** By the way, we read 3 Nephi 22, in the Book of Mormon, for scripture study tonight (aka... Isaiah 54). What a great chapter! The power and direct nature of this passage really impacted me and promoted a healthy discussion within the family. The last four verses are particularly comforting to me and I think I'll be rereading them often as a reminder of God's love for me and my family. I love to see the dawning of enlightenment in the eyes of my children as we read and discuss the scriptures. Totally awesome... (my eighties persona really wanted to say "dude" at the end of that "totally awesome," but I was "like... no way, man!" I'm afraid it might "gag me with a spoon" to use eighties lingo at the end of a scriptural commentary...)
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